Tuesday, February 06, 2007

Worshipin' With the Big Dogs!

With the plethora of pulpit pimps pilfering the populace today (sat that three times fast!) it's easy to forget that the "pimpees" share a lot of the guilt. I'm of the opinion that for many of the doctrinally challenged; it's not about who you worship, but who you worship with.

As a survivor of a prosperity church, I know from experience you can indulge in some serious star-gazing at a big name church with a big name preacher. Yes, you can certainly be the envy of your co-workers or classmates when you tell them on Monday morning: "Yeah, Deion Sanders was praying right next to me yesterday", or "Denzel and I wore the same tie to church last week."

Of course, after a while you get used to it and Diddy becomes just another church member. But you have to know that if you really want to get Uncle Joe to come to church all you have to say is "Beyonce' will probably be there Sunday". And in no time Uncle Joe is walking down the the aisle making a decision for Christ and helping to pay off the Bishop's new Gulfstream-5 jet.

Let's face it these preachers themselves are now celebrities. So when you drop the name of your Bishop/Apostle/god you can expect their fame to open a few doors for you. This all, of course, falls under the heading of "God's favor". Just say, "get ready, get ready, get ready" when ordering and receive two extra pancakes with your "Grand-slam Breakfast" at your local Dallas area Denny's. Tell 'em "T.D." sent you! (Just kidding!)

Beside the celebrity connection, if you are a business person nothing increases your bottom-line like an affliliation with the megachurch next door. Especially if you can get the Pontiff to endorse your business or even use your sevices for the club, I mean church itself. So what if the preacher can't spell "Bible"; every pimpee who needs a payday loan to pay the note on the Bentley that the Prophet told him God said was his, can get said loan from you! "And don't forget to use your 'New Birth Mastercard'. Tithe: $5000. Love Offering: $3000. Copyrights to new "Women Pastors Gone Wild" videos: priceless."

"Hey lonely lady, need tha' hook-up? Just throw on your best pair of "Apple Bottoms" and head on down to Greater Mount Carnal Christian Center this Sunday. We have 'em tall, dark and handsome. Some of them may even be saved! And if you make a 'mistake' and get pregnant, go ahead have that abortion. You'll never hear a word about it from us! Hey Adam, we didn't forget about you. You can find your "Steve" right here. After all, gay money is green, too".

I guess the reason that I have said all of this is to take some of the pressure off all of you who are trying to get family and friends out of places like these. Not everyone who attends these false churches is an innocent dupe, hypnotized under the preacher's charismatic spell. Many of them have reasons for being there that have absolutely nothing to do with Christ or Christianity. The whole "seeker-friendly" scheme is a farce, because no unsaved person seeks God in the first place. And those whom God has effectually called, even if their first stop is a false church like these, will grow weary of counterfeit christianity. He who has called them is faithful and will lead His sheep to green pastures (and I don't mean the one "pastored" by "Apostle" Collette Gunby!).

B. L. B. B.
(Be Like the Bereans, Baby!!!)


Christo-Ranter said...

I don't talk about it a lot, but you are correct. The pimpees often have a lot to do with their status.

Keith L. Tolbert said...

God oft-times does give the people a "king after their own heart".